Out of sorts

I had every intention of posting yesterday but it was just one of those days when I wanted life to move at a certain speed but the world seemed to be going in slow motion.
I went off to the gym but it was pushing jelly uphill with a toothpick trying to get myself motivated and the harder I tried to get myself into that "this is fun" mindset the more my brain said "Pass the Timmy Tams".
Today was much the same but I guess the one saving grace is that it is a 30 minute workout and then that's it for the day. The girls are all so encouraging and inspirational down there though and there is none of that "look at me" mentality there.
It wasn't until I was cooking dinner last night that I realised that yesterday would have been my darling Nana's 84th birthday had she still been with us. I always cooked Nana dinner on her birthday or took her out for lunch which she loved. She loved getting all tizzied up, putting on her beads and throwing on a bit of lippie and allowing me to treat her to a slap up lunch somewhere. Just so you know Nana, I think of you often, I love you and I miss you. I would give anything to have just one more moment with you just to feel your arms around me and to tell you how much I love you. I am sure that you know, wherever you are that you are the reason for my still being here and for my being able to cope with certain things in my life. And I am sure with all my heart that you know that I love you and miss having you in my life.
Well, Matt has left school - for good this time. I was devastated when he made the decision last week and he knew it too. He tried talking to me about it but I didn't really want to hear what he had to say. Hence more friction and fighting in the house. Things came to a head yesterday morning and Mark left for work without saying goodbye, Matt locked himself in his room, and I just cried buckets and buckets of tears.
So I took my eyes off myself for a moment and I have now realised that we brought this young man up to make his own decisions, to be independent and to seek the best out of life for himself. And he believes that is what he is doing. So who am I to challenge that. After calmly talking things over last night, I have accepted that he has to walk the path he has chosen for himself and no matter how much I try I can't hold his hand, nor walk that path for him. But.........I will be walking a few steps behind him to help him up when he falls - that's what we Mum's do you know.
Anyway on that note, this saga is over and if you are still reading, thanks to all of you who have been nice enough to comment.
~Shazz~