SCRAPPING SHARING

firstly, a very happy 20th birthday to our first born son, matty for last thursday. how can mark and i POSSIBLY be the parents of a 20 year old....??? he had the week off work and as a gift to him we bought tickets for jakey and kait so they could go with matt to dreamworld - he has wanted to take them in his "big brother" role for ages and mark and i finally agreed. he took another friend, hayley too and by all accounts they had a great day.
i just hope and pray that matt finds his feet soon and some direction in his life. he struggles so hard at times, with just day-to-day living and finding his way through this world.
but we love you darling boy....you were my first born and will always hold a very special place in my heart.

well the CT over at the scrap lounge are well and truly into the first month of our assignments. it has been SO exciting bouncing ideas off each other and seeing some of those ideas come into fruition. of course we are all on a pretty steep learning curve but it is fun being part of such a great team of gorgeous and supportive girls.

our pack sponsors for the month are MiJeMoo and CraftQueen and you can find our creations using their products here
i'll post my creations on my blog in case you couldn't be bothered to chase the links.....LOL

our good friends doing their "famous couple" impression.....love this pic.

my baby girl seconds from disaster. makes me ill thinking about what happened seconds after this photo was taken. thank goodness the damage doesn't appear to have been permanent. doesn't make the guilt any less though.

love making these organza ribbon flowers....and of course some french knots.

we have all come up with a great selection of challenges for our first month so head on over to the lounge and have a look and maybe take up a challenge or two.
Monthly Challenge Comp
Monthly Sketch Challenge - sketch by the gorgeous jody
Monthly OTP Comp
some great prizes on offer - you have to be in it to win it.

we have madly been planning our first CC, happening on the weekend of july 18 so make sure you come on over and see what we have come up with.

the gorgeous jodi has come up with a great concept.
come over and spend 5 minutes on the lounge with scrappers from australia and overseas....there are some BIG names coming over to have a sit on the lounge in coming weeks - stay tuned *WINK*
this week's lounge guest is the very talented jolene pienaar.
jolene is teaching a class at the Stick and Giggle retreat up on Mt Tambourine this coming weekend and i am SO upset that i won't be there to take the class or to catch up with all my gorgeous friends
*SIGH*

i am planning to re-vamp my blog in the next few weeks.....i have had this same template for ever and i feel it is time for a re-vamp.
so stay tuned.

hope that those of you on holidays are having a great time hanging out with your kids. i LOVE school holidays - sleep-ins, no rushing about to get kids to school on time and a much more relaxed way of life for a few weeks.

remember to always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~

~*~ LIVE OUT LOUD ~*~

shazz xo

UPDATE ON MATT

i have lots to share news about the kids so i decided to do a post on each one of them.

matt is struggling with a recurring back injury. he originally hurt his back at a state soccer training camp back in 2003 and the officials at the camp, failed to get him any help at the time of the injury. i can still see that poor kid hobbling out to the car when i picked him up from the camp almost 15 hours after the injury happened and when i confronted the officials they said it hadn't seemed too serious at the time.

by the time we got him home (a three hour trip home in the car), the doctors at A&E had to sedate him before they could get him out of the car, because he was in so much pain. and when we went to claim some help through the soccer associations insurance fund, with the HUGE medical bills (sports physios, chiropractors, rehab, etc) our claim was denied because the coaches didn't get him medical attention with 12 hours of the injury occurring. and when we approached the association with a lawyer to get to the bottom of why he hadn't been given any help, the coaches all stuck together and said matt had told them he didn't need any medical help.

if you could have seen the extreme pain he was in when i picked him up, i think this would have been highly unlikely.

so this poor kid has seen his soccer career suffer because of the negligence of these men who totally neglected their duty of care towards him. he has been hospitalised on several occasions when his back has gone into a spasm. after the last incident mark and i decided to go back to the beginning with a GP and get him the help and the answers that he needed.

he had a CT scan done which showed the possibility of a benign tumor of one of the vertebrate in his lower back and this morning had an MRI as the sports physio we had him see last week believes he may very well have a stress fracture in one of the vertebrate too. all these results will have to be seen by a specialist but all we want is answers for matt.

at the moment he has been told he cannot run, kick a ball, jog, or play soccer and the frustration of sitting on the sideline week after week is driving him mad. it wasn't until the physio told him last week that if he doesn't stop all but the most basic of movements and stretching that he may well end up with major back surgery and the possibility of never living without some level of back pain for the rest of his life.

it is scary stuff and we are all over the whole thing. my heart goes out to matt as he struggles to get out of bed most mornings and get moving and even his work is suffering as he can't do any heavy lifting.

that was a little heavy going but i have wanted to record matt's struggle for a while now.

aside from all of that he is going well. he still hasn't found true love
(she is out there somewhere he keeps telling us)

along with jake and their mate mitch, he is still training the women's 2nds for Stars - they are called the "Starlets".
the team is playing really well and those women all adore the three boys and are very protective of them. it's quite funny actually.

matt will celebrate his 20th birthday next week.
how can mark and i be the parents of a 20 year old....????
where have those years gone....???
he was, and still is, such a gorgeous boy or should i say a man.

anyways.....i will be back to do an update on jake and kait in the next day or so.
don't forget that if you comment on this post or any other post i make before wednesday midnight, you will be in the draw for one of two calendars
(see the previous post)

hope you are all having a happy tuesday.
remember to always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~

~*~ LIVE OUT LOUD ~*~

shazz xo

GIVEAWAYS

i am in the throes of clearing up my scrapping area and have found two calendars i scrapped last last year to give as gifts.

i never ended up giving them so i will be giving them away to two lucky people who leave a comment here on my blog or over at the scrap lounge.
they are 2008 calendars so you will only get to enjoy them for half of the year.
the photography was done by the amazingly talented miss emily clark, the gorgeous ruthy's daughter.
thanks for allowing me to use the pic em.

so to have a chance of winning one for your wall, you have until wednesday to leave a comment - either on this post or any other posts i make up until wednesday, midnight.

and as for my other big news....well i have been selected on the creative team for the scrap lounge for the next 6 months.
i was shocked when rondelle emailed me with the news but i am so honoured and so excited as well. the other amazing girls on the team are jodi, jody and jo.
yeah.....we know....try saying THAT really quickly after a few glasses of the old bubbly stuff.
we will be known as the JJJs.
we are all having a ball tossing ideas around and i have received my first challenge pack - and what a challenge some of the papers are too.
i am so excited to be sharing this creative inspiring journey with rondelle and the other gorgeous girls on the CT.
thanks for the great opportunity rondelle. i hope i am an inspiration to others and that i get to learn heaps along the way.
i will be in charge of wishing the forum members a happy birthday and organising RAKs and issuing regular challenges. i have started up the Scrap Lounge Birthday Club so if you would like to get a letterbox full of lovin' on your special day, pop on over to the forum and join up. and it will be a great way to get a beautifully scrapped card too.

well that's it for today but i have some family news to blog (helps me remember the details down the track) so i will be back with some pics and family news in the next day or so.

until then......remember to always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~

~*~ LIVE OUT LOUD ~*~

shazz xo

YEP...I'M STILL ALIVE

we have been super busy but have news from all quarters of our lives so will be updating next week with lots of news and photos.
kait's school has it's annual Bonfire Night this weekend so have been busy getting ready for that - a B-I-G weekend for all involved but a huge success for our little school of just 85 kids.

some sad news to report with the closure of RJR but jenny is having a great sale so pop on over and grab yourself a bargain while stocks still last.

i also have some exciting scrapping news in the wind but it's still "secret squirrel" for now.
*WINK*

until then......remember to always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~

~*~ LIVE OUT LOUD ~*~

shazz xo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL

my baby is 12.
kait turned 12 yesterday....where have the years gone...???

she has been SO excited this week and counting down sleeps and generally just being excited about turning 12.

as far as 12 year old birthdays go, i think she had a great time. she got lots of clothes and some games for her DS; a CD; some money (very important when you are 12) and some vouchers.
she had the birthday dinner she requested (maccas of course which is a BIG treat for us in these cash-strapped times)
she played soccer last night - they lost but she had a great time.
and tonight she is having a sleepover with 7 of her friends - pizza for dinner; ice cream cake; DVDs; munchies; sleeping on the family room floor.
yup....she will be in 12-year-old heaven.

i can't tell you utterly lucky and blessed i feel to have this amazing little person in my life.
kait...you are such a sweet, kind and caring little girl. you hate seeing anyone sad or upset and do your best to make them feel happy again.
you have an amazing love of life and despite some pretty awful hiccups in the past you have managed to overcome these and are growing into a beautiful young lady.
you make me smile and laugh and cry tears of joy.
you make me glad that i am you mum.
you are such a blessing in our lives.

love you baby girl.
my you be blessed with just as much love and happiness and sunshine as you have brought to our lives, as you travel your life journey.

here is kait and i on her birthday yesterday morning
(excuse the "bed hair" and the bleary eyes)
xo

SAYING GOODBYE

tonight i had to say goodbye to my dad and step-mum.

after almost two and a half years of them being here to care for uncle bob, they are now heading home to begin the next chapter of their lives.

i hugged my dad so tightly and cried an ocean of tears when it came time to say goodbye.
and i wasn't much better when i said goodbye to erica ("nanny") either.

i feel selfish because i want them to stay here and be near to me and the kids.
i will miss them both so much; i will miss dad's relentless teasing of the kids and his practical jokes; i will miss my talks with nanny; i will miss seeing them being grandparents to my kids; i will miss dad's constant search for chocolates in the fridge whenever he visited and his requests for a coffee in "the big mug"; i will miss our trips to the wood yard to get firewood; i will miss watching mark share a beer with dad and debate the pros and cons of the world.

despite the terrible reason for them being so near for for so long, i have loved getting to know dad better and finding a new level of love and respect for him and i think i may have even surprised him along the way too.

so travel home safely grandad and nanny.
remember always how much you are loved by us all.
and we will see you again very soon

xo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DARLING BOY

one day late but wishing our beautiful son jakey (DS2) a wonderful 17th birthday.

he is such an amazing young man....good looking (biased i know); polite; considerate; funny; adorable; huggable (he gives THE best hugs); sweet; responsible - i think you get my drift.

so many amazing things are happening in his life at the moment - he is excelling at school (top of his class in english, maths and music); he is playing at the top level locally in soccer and doing extremely well; he is off to sydney in a few weeks to represent northern NSW on soccer; he is about to try for his provisional license.
and he loves life...and i love being around him and enjoying his company.

i wish you every happiness in the world darling jakey.
as the world opens up before you may you grab at every amazing opportunity that comes your way and live a wonderful life full of happiness, love and all that is good and right.

love you baby
xo

and just to show you that he is slightly crazy too
......just like his mum

TIME TO MOVE ON

well it has been almost two weeks since uncle bob passed away and the pain of losing him and all the associated feelings of grief are all still raw and real and at times, quite overwhelming.
after visiting him almost daily for the past month; talking with him, laughing with him, crying for him and doing what we could to make his last days on earth as comfortable as we could, there are days where i just sit and do nothing....not too sure of what i need to be doing to begin the process of living my own life again.
but life does go on - household chores need to be done (you should see my ironing pile !!!); bills paid; friendships to re-establish; family dynamics need to be re-evaluated.

uncle bob's funeral was, as funerals go, just lovely.
we had a beautiful selection of songs to send him off; i gave his eulogy (along with my cousin's 12 year old son who read a poem) which most family members had a hand in helping me write; there were opportunities for our family to come together and support each other; and there were tears and laughter - all of which were good things.

i was quite concerned about dad's wellbeing there for a while. and it broke my heart every time i saw the pain and hurt in dad's eyes but i think he is going to be ok. i have had some wonderful chats with him over the past week and i have found a new level of respect and love for him.
don't get me wrong....he drives me totally batty at times but he is my dad and i love him dearly.

i want to thank, from the bottom of my heart, everyone who contacted me either via comments here, emails, SMS, or phone calls.
your support was/is wonderful and very much appreciated.
and a special thank you to that one special friend (and you know who you are) who let me call whenever i needed to rant and rave at the unfairness of it all and who helped me find the words and the courage to go on when i didn't think i could.
love ya heaps.

well soccer season is well and truly upon us. with 4 of our family playing this year - mark, matt, jake and miss kait - there is always a training session someone has to be at, or a game they need a lift to, or a strip that needs washing and with mark taking on the role of club secretary there is always paperwork that needs to be done/filed/submitted/looked at.

matt is struggling with his recurring back injury and i think we are going to have to go back to square one with him and start at the beginning and see what sort of treatment will get it right again. he is frustrated and angry that his body appears to be letting him down at such a young age and who can blame him...??? the injury occurred through no fault of his own and the people responsible for caring for him after it happened did very little in the way of getting him help when he needed it.

jakey is doing well and slotting into the prems team really well. he is leading the internal team voting for most valuable player on the field - a big thing considering he is the "baby" of the team. i get the giggles everytime i see him play and hear the other team members and his coaches calling him "jakey" - just like we do here at home. the older team members respect his skills as a player and as one of them said to me after the game last weekend..."he is just such a great kid"

mark's 5th division team will never make the olympic play-offs but they love getting out on the paddock and having a kick. normally his games are played in a great spirit of two teams of blokes just out for a kick around on a saturday afternoon - no playing for sheep stations allowed nor tolerated.
let's face it...who wants to ruin a great social event with a serious game of soccer...LOL

and miss kait had her first game on friday night. for a little girl who has been around soccer her whole life it is kinda surprising that she has never wanted to play until now.
the funniest thing was seeing her skipping back to the centre line after the other team scored their goals (our girls lost 5 - nil...not bad considering half of them had never played before) and then busting out some physie moves when the ball was up the other end.
and as her coach said on several occasions...."what IS that child doing?"

here are some "untouched" pics of her durng her first game...don't you just LOVE her little chicken legs sticking out of her shorts.



hoping to get back to some scrapping soon. i just haven't had the heart, or the mental clarity to deal with anything creative for a few months now and i am starting to miss scrapping.

anyways...not much else to say at the moment. still kinda trying to move on with life but i think it is all gonna be ok.

thanks again to everyone for their wonderful friendship and support.

remember to always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~
and
~*~ LIVE OUT LOUD ~*~

shazz xo

MY UNCLE BOB

ROBERT GRAEME HUNTER
OCTOBER 29, 1942 ~ APRIL 23, 2008

xoxo

AN UPDATE...IF YOU ARE INTERESTED.

just wanted to post a quick update for those of you who have emailed me asking how things are.
my most heartfelt thanks to those of you who have taken the time to email me with your thoughts and wishes at this tough time.
the power of the net and the amazing network of friends i have made, especially through scrapbooking, never ceases to amaze me.

my uncle is still hanging in there. i was sure that he would be gone by thursday afternoon after seeing him on thursday morning. i said my goodbyes to him before heading off to work, convinced that i would receive a phone call through the day telling me he had passed away. he looked awful, his hands and feet were freezing and his breathing quite laboured.
i guess it is just a matter of time now and the toll is starting to show on everyone around him. dad sits at the end of bob's bed most days, just watching him and not saying much at all; my step-mum and aunts all looked drained and exhausted; and the rest of us takes turns visiting and keeping a vigil.
bob's journey towards the end of his life has well and truly started and when that journey will end is out of all our hands now and is between uncle bob and his maker.
all i can do is pray and hope that the journey is painless, quick and peaceful for him.

the positive side of this sad time is that i have been able to spend some quality time with my brother and his beautiful wife and their boys. they traveled down yesterday to spend some time with bob. kait and i spent a few days in brisbane last week with them.
it was lovely to get to know brett and ness a little better and to have some laughs together.

our family is doing well.
mark is working too hard as always. both he and the boys had their soccer cancelled this weekend due to rain so they are all a little disappointed.
matt has decided that he and some mates are heading off on a cruise later in the year.
jakey is studying hard. he has agreed to partner a young lady to her deb ball so tottles off to dance practice each sunday morning. can't wait to see my beautiful young man in his first suit. lots of photo ops there i am sure.
miss kait is just amazing...always smiling and enjoying having younger cousins around to spoil. i still look at her, even after almost 12 years of her being here on this earth, and i STILL am in awe that i am the mother of such a precious soul...she is such a blessing to our family.

anyways....hoping hoping hoping to have some scrapping to share soon.
if anyone sees my mojo hanging around anywhere, could you please tan it's little hiney and send it on home to it's mumma.
i reckon that i will be scrapping a lot of heritage LOs soon cause my stash is getting so old....LOL

remember to always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~
and
~*~ LIVE OUT LOUD ~*~

shazz xo

ZOMBIE PRINCESS

tonight my baby girl transformed from this...

to this.....

her school had a zombie disco tonight.
(who comes up with these ideas...???)

i hope she has a great time cause i guarantee she is gonna hate having that hair brushed out and all that oil-based make-up removed when she gets home in a few hours.....LOL

hope you are managing to stay warm....it's been mighty chilly here the past few days.
BRRRRRRR !!!!

shazz xo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY

wishing my beautiful dad a happy birthday.

he will probably never know that i wished him a happy birthday in cyberspace - hell....
dad doesn't even know what cyberspace is....!!!
LOL

i am just glad that despite the sad circumstances of why he is here in town on his birthday, i was glad to be able to spend time with him on his birthday and buy him a yummy lunch.

and this just goes to prove that the craziness my kids exhibit, doesn't all come from me !!!

i love you daddy

xxoo

GUILTY

...of not living the life i promised myself i would live.
you know those "pie-in-the-sky" dreams you have when you are younger when you say that "by this age i will have done such-and-such"
i feel like i have let my family down but more importantly i have let myself down.

...of fighting with mark when we should be supporting each other through these tough times.
i am sure we will emerge out the other side of this but until we do, we need to support each other and not tear each other down.

...of not being strong for my dad.
it breaks my heart to see his heart breaking as we enter the last few weeks (or possibly days) of uncle bob's life. i just hope when the time comes, i can be strong for dad and be there for him.

...of not keeping in contact with my friends.
i am not a very happy person at the moment and it is taking all my strength not to sink any deeper into this pit of sorrow and despair that i feel like i am in.
i just don't have the energy to be strong and cheerful.
when i am not at the hospital, i just want to be at home, alone.....sitting with my own thoughts.
and that's probably not a good thing but it's all i can seem to manage at the moment.

....of visiting blogs but rarely leaving comments these days.
my head isn't where it needs to be to leave comments on people's blogs at the moment....i am so filled with anger and frustration and sorrow and tears....i don't think i can muster the energy to leave a comment but reading the blogs of others makes me feel that the world isn't passing me by.

hopefully "normal programming" will return soon.
until then....please enjoy this test pattern.

shazz
xo

"A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE..."

this email was sent to me by my good friend julie and it really struck a chord with me......
ENJOY !!!!!

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
a youth she's content to leave behind....


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honoured...


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
a feeling of control over her destiny...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself…


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...


Thank you for the blessings, knowing you has given to my life...


AND REMEMBER:

GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS.

YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,

BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW THEY ARE THERE!!!!!!


BE YOURSELF…EVERYONE ELSE IS ALREADY TAKEN

remember to always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~*~ LIVE OUT LOUD ~*~
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~

shazz xo

"THIS AND THAT"

sorry....point form update.

* i hope you all had a relaxing easter. we had a quiet one. mark, kait and i drove to brisbane on Good Friday to watch the boys play two of their futsal games (they lost both but the experience was great for them). they both played really well. it's a pity the games were so spread out over the weekend or we would have watched more.

* i caught up with my cousin deb who came to watch matt and jakey play on friday. i have only managed to have short visits with her over the past few years. deb and i are very close but with both of us having growing, sporty kids we haven't managed to catch up for more than 5 or 10 minutes here or there. it was good to sit for ages and just talk and catch up. good to see her son ryan too, who is mine and mark's godson. he has grown into quite a handsome young man and so tall.

* my brother and his wife and two boys also made the trek over to watch the boys play. i can't believe how much we have seen them since they made the move from perth and after the game we even managed to have dinner with them - a feed of fish and seafood from Red Rooster of all places. kait and i will be going to spend a few days with them in the next lot of school holidays, which will be just wonderful.

* mark, kait and i spent time with my uncle bob on sunday. as some of you may know, he has bowel cancer. due to lack of funding for staff, he was sent home from the palliative care unit on good friday even though he needed 4 units of blood last week after being rushed there by ambulance.
so my poor dad and step-mum have had the unenvious task of caring for a terminally ill man at home and i was not surprised in the least to get a call from dad yesterday to say bob had been rushed back to hospital (the local base hospital this time) after having a massive haemmorage. i saw him today and he looks pale and weak and just fed up with the whole thing.
cancer is an insidious disease and the sooner governments put more money into finding a cure for it, the better.
i hate seeing uncle bob so weak and tired and fed up and it is certainly taking it's toll on my dad and step-mum as well. because of the nature of bob's cancer, he only seems comfortable with having dad and erica caring for him so my support can only be in terms of doing washing for them and cooking meals.

* a HUGE congrats to my friend ali, her partner liam and jack on the birth of cameron, affectionately known as "loafie".
i bet they are just all over the moon at his arrival. and with ali being such an amazing photographer and scrapper i bet there will be lots of wonderful baby boy LOs and pics appearing soon.

* and check out this gorgeous girl.
WOO HOO...!!!!
what a looker you are miss...!!!!
have a blast in the US won't you...???

* still no scrapping to share (and my "exciting scrapping news" fell by the wayside as well which kind of gutted me a bit for a while there)
i sat down at my desk several times over the weekend but only managed to shuffle papers. i have a LO half done that needs finishing but just can't get my mojo happening.
i guess with everything that has been going on with uncle bob, creativity has been put aside in the old "shazzie brain"
hopefully next update i will have some creativity to share.

until then though.....remember to always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~

and like the song says....."LIVE OUT LOUD"

shazz xo

MARCH 15

JOURNALING (written 2007): I can't escape it. This day comes around every year and it is a constant reminder to me of what I have lost; of things that should different and of just how much I miss having you here.

Today is the anniversary of your death, Pa.

It is a day that, for so long, my mind protected me from. For a long time, I could hardly remember anything about the days leading up to your death, nor could I remember any of the details of those hours early on the morning of Monday, March 15, 1993. But as the years pass, memories come flooding back. And now it is time for me to face those memories and my feelings about that day.

I guess I knew that your death was close when Mum and I tried to get you to leave your hospital bed for a few hours on the Sunday morning and go for a drive. You had enjoyed your Sunday outings every Sunday since you went into Palliative Care late in January. Nothing too strenuous; just a short drive to look at your business, and go down to the house so you could look out over the river. You point blank refused and spent the day sleeping on and off.

Late that afternoon, Sister Marie, the Palliative Care nun asked if she could speak to me alone. She told me that the nurses and herself had been watching our family over the past few weeks and she felt that I was "the one". The person who, when the time was right, would be the one who had to give you permission to die. I was shocked. Having been "the one" my whole life, who had run from that kind emotional pain, I assured her that I wouldn't be that person. She gently touched my arm and reassured me that I indeed did have the strength to do the unthinkable in my mind.

I went home for a few hours that night, to spend some time with Matt and Jake, and to allow Mark to go to the hospital to see you. I know that you enjoyed his visits, you two always got on so well, and Mark loved and respected and admired you so much as a man. But when he came home that night, after his visit, he told me that he didn't think that he would see you again. When I pressed him to explain what he meant, he told me that he didn't think you would live much longer. It was a shock to hear, what I feared the most, being verbalised by Mark. I remember wishing that, more than anything, I didn't have to go back to the hospital that night. A call from one of the nurses about 9.00 p.m. asking me to come back, soon changed that wish.

Dr Stewart was there when I arrived, along with Lindy, Rod, Jo and Mum. Dr Stewart examined you and asked to speak to us all in the "quiet room". He said that all your organs were starting to shut down, but if he started massive doses of vitamins and more blood transfusions, that you might live another month if we were lucky. And telling us that if we did nothing, you had probably only another 24 hours to live. I remember all of us turning to look at Mum, knowing full well, we all wanted to scream, "do anything you can to keep him alive", but knowing that you would not want us to that. It was time to allow you to die with the same dignity that you had lived your whole life. I gently put my hand on Mum's shoulder and whispered, "let him go Mum". With tears streaming down our faces, Mum nodded and we all quietly walked back to your room.

What surprised me the most that night was how lucid you were after we had made the decision to let you go. After we went back to your room, the nurses had propped you up on your pillows. Mum combed your hair and for the first time I noticed the "distinguished grey" that had seemed to spring from your temples overnight. Sister Marie was there, ever present in the background and at her suggestion we all had some time alone with you. While the others waited in the "quiet room", we all took had time with you, to say the things that needed to be said.

For so long, what I said to you in that short time was never clear in my memory. But with the passing of years I can remember snippets of my conversation. You told me how proud you had always been of me, even though I had been such a painful teenager. You told me that you respected the relationship I had with my own Dad and to never lose that. You told me of the love you had for my sons and how blessed I should feel that I had married such a wonderful man as Mark who gave me such a beautiful family. I promised you that no matter what, I would always do my very best to look after Mum, to protect her and love her. I guess that it is this promise to you that I couldn't keep, that has haunted me and hurt so much as the years have passed.

When we were all back in the room, the mood changed dramatically. A sense of urgency hung in the air. Like there were still many things to say and that time was running out.

The nurses who came in about midnight to turn you told me that it would only be a matter of hours before you passed away. How could they know that…??? Now I know that they had seen people die so many times that it became obvious when the time was close.

I went and called Mark and told him what Sister Marie had said to me earlier that day about letting you go. Mark told me that he had faith in me that I would find the strength. He told me that this was no longer about what I wanted, but about what I had to do for you. With my heart breaking inside me, I knew he was right.

When I went back to your room, your breath had become quite laboured. The nurses called it "death apnoea", when the breathing of a patient indicates that they are close to death. About 1.30 a.m., while we all sitting around your bed, I felt Mum stiffen beside me and she whispered, "he has stopped breathing". Rod ran and got a nurse but by the time she came back, you had taken another breath.

For the next few hours we hung on every breath, each of us willing you to take another and another and another. You mumbled incoherently, no words were clear enough to understand and every so often you opened your eyes and stared at Mum quite intensely and mumbled again. It was awful to watch and hear Mum ask you to repeat yourself. You seemed so determined to say something to her but we never understood what it was.

At one point you raised your hand and pointed to the empty space at the end of your bed. You had been doing this a lot in the weeks prior, and every time we asked you what you were pointing at, you asked us if we had seen "them" too the ladies dressed in white. Part of me believes it was the angels come to look over you and help you on the next part of your journey. I really don't have any other explanation for what you saw.

About 4.15 a.m. I knew that you were close to death. Sister Marie had come into the room again and she gently touched my hand and told me that it was almost time. We helped Mum get up onto the bed with you and she lay with her head on your chest, willing each breath and heartbeat from you. Lindy, Rod and Jo were on the opposite side of the bed and I sat next to Mum. If there was nothing left in this world we could do for you, we would surround you with love as you left us.

The time between each breath became longer and longer. For what seemed like the longest time, the only sound in the room was your breathing and our sighs of relief as you took another one. And then I heard Mum softly crying, saying over and over again, "I love you darling. Please don't leave me".

I remember looking across the bed and seeing Rod with his arms around Lindy and Jo. Everyone was in tears. Sister Marie quietly left the room, nodding to me as she went. Mum was inconsolable as she willed you to keep breathing and then it happened. I knew that it was time to do the unthinkable. It was time to let you go.

With a strength I never knew I had, I gently stroked your head and leaned down next to your ear and whispered, "It's time to go Pa. We are all going to be ok. We love you". With one last breath that sounded more like a quiet roar than a breath, your body shuddered and then in that moment and in my heart I knew that you had gone. I gently touched Mum's face and made her look at me and said "Mum, he is gone. I am so sorry".

What happened next is still a blur of nurses coming in and Sister Marie and Dr Stewart and making phone calls to let everyone know you had gone. What I do remember so very clearly though, is the profound sense of loss and grief that I felt. Like things might never be the same again. And I guess once you lose someone from your life that has been such a big part of it, that some things really never are the same again.

Your funeral is a blur to me too and maybe that is for the best. So many people tell me that it was a lovely service a real celebration of you and the wonderful, successful life that you lead. But for now my memories are still locked away of those sad, sad days.

For the longest time after your death, no part of my life made sense. I questioned my marriage to Mark why love someone with all your heart if they are just going to break it when they die…??? Why did I bring my sons into the world only to have them have to grieve for me later in life. It took many years for me to realise that death is just another part of life. And for me to see the many blessings that you gave me by being in my life and by my being with you in the last moments of your life.

So as March 15 rolls around every year I will be sad. It's hard for me not to be because, even now, 14 years later, I still miss having you in my life. But I will also celebrate this day I will celebrate the wonderful man that you were; I will cherish the love you gave me and Mark and my sons; I will keep your memory alive by talking about you to Matt, Jake and Kaitlyn, even though you never got to meet our beautiful girl. And I will be forever thankful that I got to have you in my life for the years that I did.

I love you Pa.
I miss you every single day.
Rest in Peace.

YOU KNOW WHAT....???

i have had a few pretty awful things happen to me in the past few months that have really put me on my arse.
people that i thought cared about me have done and said some pretty low, mean, hurtful things that have almost, at times, driven me to "the edge"
well guess what....????

NO MORE !!!!!

no more will i allow someone to take advantage of my kind nature.
no more will i let unkind words and deeds slide off my back and say nothing.
no more will i allow the narrow-mindedness of others dictate how i feel.
no more will i lie awake at night sobbing my heart out because i feel insignificant and worthless and unworthy of my place in the world.

the line has been drawn in the sand

remember.....always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~

cause from now on these are the words i will strive to live by.
this is the only life i have to live and from today.....i'm gonna start living it.

shazz xo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO..............

me !!!!!!

this was me when i was 6 weeks old......cute hey....???
wonder what happened to that sweet little baby who didn't have a care in the world....???

remember.....always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~

shazz xo

TAGGED !!!

the beautiful miss marie tagged me ages ago and i think i better reply to her tag before she gets after me with a big stick....LOL

10 Years Ago: mark and i had a very difficult year of marriage. a third party became involved and things got quite messy there for a while. was probably the darkest days of our marriage.
before things got messy, mark and i went to malaysia for 10 days with a mitsubishi delegation and had a wonderful time.

Things on my to-do list today: get our tax information and matt's organised to take to the accountant tomorrow (praying we aren't too late with it and the tax department doesn't get after us with a big stick); visit my uncle who is quite ill and in hospital; see my dad and step-mum who have traveled up to be with my uncle; do some ironing; vacuum the floors; do some scrapping

What I would do if I were suddenly made a billionaire: renovate our home (new floor coverings, a paint job, new kitchen and bathrooms, landscaping, put in a spa); buy a home each for the kids; help out friends and family genuinely in need; set up a charity; open my own scrapping store/retreat.

3 of my bad habits: i tend to waffle on a bit; i bite my fingernails; i am a HUGE procrastinator.

3 places I have lived: Lismore; Toowoomba; Canberra

5 jobs that I have had: helping out in my parents rural co-op store; barmaid; domestic @ my aunt's motel; teacher; PA to a financial advisor in a bank.

5 Things people don't know about me: i have a rare disease in the bones in my right wrist; i met the Duke of Edinburgh in 1974; we lost all our possessions in the floods of 1974 (literally left with only the clothes on our backs); i had my appendix out when i was 20 and developed an infection after i was discharged and was re-admitted to hospital for 3 weeks; i HATE HATE HATE cleaning bathrooms.

I tag: whoever hasn't had a go at this tag. i hate tagging people.

glad to see that nic has posted pics of her beautiful new baby girl. go and check out the pics for yourself. she certainly is a beautiful baby.

congrats to annette over at TSE on the sale of the store. i am not big on changes and am hoping things don't change too much. it is nice to have found a forum and a group of girls who are fun and friendly.

still can't share my "news" - soon i promise.

off to get that "to-do list" completed.
have a fabbo day everyone

remember.....always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~

shazz xo

OH....HOW EXCITEMENT !!!!

jake (DS2) arrived home yesterday beaming from ear to ear......

"guess what mum?" he aksed
"what baby?" says i, thinking that he had probably done well on an assignment at school
"i have been selected to play in the QLD Country Mens' Futsal side in the Nationals at Easter!!!"
"what...???" screams i jumping up from the computer and throwing my arms around my 6'2" baby boy. "i am sooooo proud of you darls"

"and guess what else mum?" he asks.
"there's MORE...???"
"yeah mum....matt (DS1) has been selected too. we will both be playing in the same team"

i was speechless......BOTH my beautiful boys have been given this HUGE opportunity.
the only downside to the news was that Matt was in an airport terminal at coolangatta waiting to fly to melbourne for the weekend when he got the news so while we were all celebrating and running around like crazy people here, he was alone at the airport, probably grinning from ear to ear
(he did tell me later that he told the guy sitting beside him on the plane that he had been selected and the guy seemed pretty impressed with him)

so now the hard work begins with the training and the nutrition and the massages and the physio visits to get these boys of ours in tip top shape to play and compete in the four day tournament.
the australian team will be chosen from this weekend so our boys are literally one step away from representing australia in a sport.

HOW EXCITEMENT IS THAT...????

here are a few pics of my boys in action at a tournament they have competed in brisbane earlier this year. as you can tell we are still learning the ins and outs of using the camera - the pics aren't so great - and it would certainly help if mark actually took the tripod out of the boot and used it....*SIGH*




am i being a biased, one-eyed mum when i say how totally gorgeous these two boys are....???
both a picture of health and strength and oh.....just GORGEOUS boys.
(pics 1 & 2 are matt, pics 3 & 4 are jakey)

and the other excitement is that last friday, kait and i drove to brisbane to visit with my baby brother and his family.
(plenty of pics taken but not sure if he would like me to share them)
they have recently moved from perth over to the east coast and i was just so happy to finally put my arms around him and hug him and sit and talk to him face-to-face.
maybe not such a big deal, some of you be thinking, but i didn't know i had a baby brother (well this baby brother anyways) until a few years ago as he was adopted out at birth by his mother.
his birth was a result of a brief liason my dad had between my mum leaving him and meeting my step-mum.
so there was lots of hugs and talking and sharing our our lives and tears too.
i can't wait for us to have more than just a few hours to catch up on our lives.

on the scrapping front....well i do have some news but i will wait to share that.
but i haven't scrapped at all....had a bit too much going on emotionally and i haven't had the urge or the inclination to scrap at all.
all my energies have gone into just maintaining my sanity some days.
hoping to get back into it this week as i am dealing with all the CR*P that has been going on and hopefully my mojo will come wandering in the door ready to do it's stuff....LOL

and just a quick congrats to nic wood and her family on the safe arrival of their little pink bundle last sunday, "jacinta grace".
what a precious gift after your three beautiful boys and i can't wait to see some pics nic
HINT HINT !!!!

and wishing the lovely miss ali stafford all the very best with the impending arrival of her "loafie".
lots of luck to you darls...i hope it is a nice quick labour and you will soon be holding your precious "loafie" in your arms.

hope that you have a great weekend and remember.....
always to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~

shazz xo