this is my eldest born child. my beautiful matty who, when he was born, i would have died for.he is the child who bore the brunt of all my clusmy attempts at being a mum because he was the first born. my clumsy attempts at breast feeding, nappy changing, introducing solids, discipline, preparing him for life's challenges, like starting school, finding a job, looking after himself, being a productive and responsible member of society.
and i will be the first to admit that i haven't been so crash hot in many of those areas.
but people who have contact with him outside our family home tell me that he is a gorgeous boy. he is caring and considerate and polite and diligent in the tasks he is set.
so what that he didn't finish year 12 - maybe that was more about my expectations of him than what he wanted for his own life. but i still feel that i have failed him. maybe i could have given him more support and guidance. maybe i should have fought more for him when the school seemed to give up on him.
despite my misgivings about some of the choices he has made along the way, he has been happy with those choices.
but now it is crunch time.
after months and months of research and preparations on his part, he is now ready to make a decision about the direction his life will take.
today he will decide whether he
- stays here at home and takes up an apprenticeship with a local company
- finds work on the gold coast and moves up there
- or travels to england on his own and lives over there for 12 months
i know i bitch and whinge and whine about matt's slovenly, lazy ways.
he and i butt heads constantly over a pair of discarded smelly soccer socks left at the front door for days on end or a glass of milk left to fester and ferment beside his bed or his apparent selfishness when it comes to helping out around the house or keeping his room somewhat tidy.
but the thought of him being over in england, on the other side of the world, alone and on his own feels me with fear and dread and sorrow.
to be honest i find the thought of it heartbreaking.
i think it's the fact he will be on his own and he doesn't know anyone in england at the moment.
mark is all for it and hasn't that caused some fights and tears (on my my part) over the past few months.
"let him go and spread his wings and learn about the real world"
we are smothering him by wanting him to stay"
"he can't live at home forever and have you look after him"
and i know all these things are true but i don't think men understand a mother's heart.
when i look at this fully grown man that is my son, all i see is my little boy....crying to be picked up when he scrapped his knee; clinging to my legs when he wasn't sure of a new situation; snuggling in beside me when he had a nightmare; lying his head on my tummy when i was pregnant with his brother and sister; bringing me flowers he had picked from a prize winning garden on the way home from school because the lady let him when he said they were "for my mummy because she is so beautiful"
so many amazing memories of my little man who is now grown and man in every sense of the word.
how will i ever let him get on a plane and travel to the other side of the world...???
in my heart of hearts i know he has to grow and find his own way in the world but it is a big world and a scary world and it is part of who i am to want to protect my boy and keep him safe.
but i know pressuring him to stay will make him want to go even more so for now i have held my tongue and let mark deal with it and cried myself to sleep more times than i care to count.
i'll let you know his decision.
remember to look for the things in your life that make you smile
~~ and let those you love, know that you do ~~
shazz xo
HAPPY THOUGHT FOR TODAY
my beautiful boy will do well wherever he is.
i just hope "wherever" isn't too far from home.
7 comments:
Oh Shazz - I feel your sadness and your fear!
I don't think men get it either. I am freaked out that my little baby boy (he will always be that) could possibly be going to high school next year. And I am absolutely not prepared for my kids EVER leaving home....let alone the country!!!
After having kids, I can completely see why my mum still sees me as a kid and not an adult!!
I think I'm going to be the same way!!
I vote for the apprenticeship with the local company!! {if my vote could count!!}
Big hugs -
Love Kel xxx
Shazz you are far from a bad mother! You are one of the most loving mothers I know and your kids are so lucky to have you. The thought of having your boy move away is so scary (and I couldn't bear to think of my kids doing it yet) but kids do it and most of the time they have the time of their lives and come back with a new view on life. Two of my brothers have done exactly this, moving to England and they are both still there. It was really tough for my Mum to let them go but they are both doing really well. One suggestion though, that you make sure you have the money for a one way ticket home and let Matt know that it is there any time he needs it! He will make the right decision... and he will come back to you :)
{{{Hugs}}}
Kim xx
Oh Shazz, I have tears in my eyes reading your post. The rational part of me says that the third option would actually be the best one for a young man. I saw the world at 17 and it opened my eyes and made me more adult than my friends who stayed home and partied. To see different cultures expanded my horizons and understanding and made me more aware and tolerant.
And then my mum's heart kicks in, and oh, I feel your pain. To be a mother and to have to let go really sucks, hey. It must be so very very scary to be where you are right now. And only other mums will understand. Don't expect DH to. We're here if you need to cry on someone's shoulder.
Oh no.. is this what I have to look forward to in a several years.
I feel your pain and heartbreak...
and no you're not a bad mother.
(hugs)....
Shazz, you have made me all mushy inside reading this. I am still in the pre-school days with my kids, but I so feel your emotions. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.
Shazzy, you are not a bad mother!! Far from it!!!!
I can see things from both angles. Going overseas will be a great experience for Matt......but as a mum, it's hard not to worry. (Kim's suggestion about the return ticket is a good one). The hardest job in the whole world is that of being a mother. Whatever his decision is, support him, even if it's the decision you don't want to hear. If he decide to go, let him go. Hard as it may be. If you don't he may come to resent you and that's not what you want. He'll eventually come home because he knows that he is loved. {hugs}
Oh Shazzy - I cried buckets reading your post.......as a Mum to two young boys I can soooo relate to all the things you said about leg hugging,nighmares and tummy kisses;.........and you are SO NOT a bad mother..........you are one of my "mothering role models" and I am so proud to call you my friend!!!!
Letting go is sooo hard and in all honesty I have at least 17years (I hope) before I even have to think about it - but your post still made me sad!
The fact that your son is ready to go out into the world and he is giving is options careful and studied thought means only one thing - you have done a sterling job raising him and he is lucky to have you both as parents.
Whatever he decides Shazz he will break your heart a million times over yet - whether its from the other side of the world or from home........
Kim's idea is a FABULOUS one if he does take that path...
Big hugs!
Jxx
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